My Story - Part 3

As you may have already guessed, no I was not so lucky.

Growing up I dealt with many trips to the doctor with UTI's. (500 mg of Cipro twice a day for seven days. Diflucan to follow.) I could diagnose and medicate myself, I was able to at a young age. Did I always have UTI's?? Not sure if results always came back positive but regardless, my symptoms were treated with the above regimen. This is vulvodynia in a nut shell. Yes I did at some points have UTI's but not always. Just recently I was treated for a UTI that did not come back positive. Vulvodynia, for some women, feels like a horrible yeast infection, the worst you could imagine. So we have now covered my first two traumas in my life, the catheterization and growing up with an itch. Now on for my third trauma.

This trauma happened to me my first year of college. No, I do not want to talk about this, I never do. I avoid it at all cost. It lives in the back of my mind and I get so angry when my mind wants to pull it forward for me to deal with. I leave it locked up and say, "I will deal with it later." It's easier that way.

I was raped in college.

To me, that's enough said. Once again I have control taken away from me with my own body. Isn't it amazing how the actions of others can destroy the lives of individuals?? Not only does their actions play apart in your life but also in the lives of people around you. Maybe I will be ready to speak of this third trauma eventually, but not today.

My doctor told me something yesterday that others have said before, but it meant more coming from her. She said that I have a talent of leaving my body in situations I am not comfortable in. I can take myself away... go numb. She wants to put me back in my body. It's time for me to live inside my own body. She told me I need to know what "normal" feels like because I have not known that feeling for 23 years now. I was a little shocked to say the least, I feel normal...