My Story - Part 4

I had to take a break after the last post. I'm back now and ready to tell you my final stage. The stage I am in now. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this is my final stage so I can close this chapter and start fresh.

So a few years have passed now since my third trauma, 9 years to be exact. I am now married to a wonderful man and have two very beautiful children. My final part began after the birth of my daughter, my second child. My pregnancy went by just fine. I ended it the same as my first one, with preecalmpsia. She was born and she was healthy and that was all that mattered. At my six week checkup I had already informed my OBGYN that I was having EXTREME pain with sex and inserting tampons. Pain so bad that I was crying. During the check-up she asked if I had natural birth or a c-section. I had a c-section, but she swore that I looked as if I had just went through a natural delivery. Inside of me, I had a quarter-size blister, almost hole, that had formed and I was very inflammed. She started me on estrogen cream to thicken my internal skin. The estrogen did fix that spot inside of me after a couple weeks but I was still having intense pain if touched. My OBGYN then referred me out to UNC hospital to Dr. John Steege. I was then seen by him (which I highly recommended him to anyone suffering from vulvar vestibulitis in North Carolina) and he said that I had a mild form of vulvar vestibulitis. I was given a compound cream, Estridal and Lidocaine, and told to try Gene's Vitamin E lotion to relieve discomfort and start physical therapy. After a year of using the compound cream, physical therapy and MANY trials with relief care, my vestibulitis has improved. Well enough to not have to even use the cream anymore. What wonderful news!!! The pain with sex and tampons is gone, all better, the vestibulitis is GONE!!!

Well actually let's back-up...

I forgot to mention that during all this I started to develop that itch again. Yes, the itch has returned. The dreaded, life altering itch that controlled my younger days is back and stronger than before. What a disappointment. It took months before I finally was switched over to the Vulvar Pain Center at UNC, but it was well worth the wait. My first appointment was yesterday with Elisabeth Johnson... I truly believe that she is an angel. She is the first person that has dealt with me that understands me. She made me comfortable, she told me things about myself that I didn't even know and she has given me hope. She has told me what she expects of me and told me that she WILL make sure that I achieve all my goals that I had started and never was able to finish. She told me that I have to heal from this and everything else that has happened to me because, well, who else is going to teach my little girl how to be a strong, independent woman.

I now know that what I am dealing with is a nerve issue. Who would have guessed that a nerve could make you itch so bad. I cannot explain to you yet how it all works, I hope to be able to eventually; remember this is a journey and we are all learning together.

My Story - Part 3

As you may have already guessed, no I was not so lucky.

Growing up I dealt with many trips to the doctor with UTI's. (500 mg of Cipro twice a day for seven days. Diflucan to follow.) I could diagnose and medicate myself, I was able to at a young age. Did I always have UTI's?? Not sure if results always came back positive but regardless, my symptoms were treated with the above regimen. This is vulvodynia in a nut shell. Yes I did at some points have UTI's but not always. Just recently I was treated for a UTI that did not come back positive. Vulvodynia, for some women, feels like a horrible yeast infection, the worst you could imagine. So we have now covered my first two traumas in my life, the catheterization and growing up with an itch. Now on for my third trauma.

This trauma happened to me my first year of college. No, I do not want to talk about this, I never do. I avoid it at all cost. It lives in the back of my mind and I get so angry when my mind wants to pull it forward for me to deal with. I leave it locked up and say, "I will deal with it later." It's easier that way.

I was raped in college.

To me, that's enough said. Once again I have control taken away from me with my own body. Isn't it amazing how the actions of others can destroy the lives of individuals?? Not only does their actions play apart in your life but also in the lives of people around you. Maybe I will be ready to speak of this third trauma eventually, but not today.

My doctor told me something yesterday that others have said before, but it meant more coming from her. She said that I have a talent of leaving my body in situations I am not comfortable in. I can take myself away... go numb. She wants to put me back in my body. It's time for me to live inside my own body. She told me I need to know what "normal" feels like because I have not known that feeling for 23 years now. I was a little shocked to say the least, I feel normal...

Allow Me Introduce You To...

Have you ever asked yourself, "Am I normal?" Have you ever thought, "Am I just broken?" Have you ever wondered, "Can I really be fixed?" These questions have ran through my mind almost everyday for the past 23 years. Yes there are days when these questions do not haunt my mind, but there are many more days when these thoughts come to life. To think that certain events/moments that happen in your life could change everything, would you erase those moments if you could?? Or do you REALLY think that these moments make you stronger?? I am here, putting everything out there, to share my journey. I welcome you on my own journey, a journey to find relief. Maybe we could help each other, life gives you endless opportunities. This is my story, my everyday journey of dealing with chronic pain. So let me start my journey with you by introducing you to a condition known as vulvodynia...